Ate lunch alone, walked around alone. I haven’t done this for quite some time. It is strange but I used to be pretty much alone in year one. Nowadays, I just do everything with everyone else. tutorials, labs, etc. I do miss the feeling of being by myself. It is a good feeling actually.

Besides, you don’t have to watch a movie with someone else. But when friends heard, they were kind of shocked. They said I was brave. I wonder why. I didn’t even watch something frightening. And it is not like the someone will kidnap me or something.

so I guess it must be some social thing which I once again is not aware of.

I made a decision today. And I was happy. And very excited.

It is strange. Since that day we handed in the proposal, I have had no contact with my group. And the project is not over yet. Well, I guess everyone is just taking a breather. And it made me realise something. Meetings are fun and comfortable but out of the project, the people are just.. well acquaintances. I don’t really know how to explain it but somehow, these people, no matter how close it seemed or how fun it was during project meetings, they are still groupmates.

Labeled project groupmates.

I guess that is because we all have our “friends group”. Like a mold that no one is ever willing to get out of. The people we stayed with since beginning of college life.

The rest of them can only go as far as acquaintances. Or project mate. like staying safe? I don’t know.

Nevertheless, I am glad that my project mates are ok and fun people.

“What do you mean? Do you wish me a good morning, or mean that it is a good morning whether I want it or not; or that you feel good on this morning; or that it is a morning to be good on?”

Had project meeting until 8++pm. And Royden offered to drive me to vivo since he was meeting his gf there. And then, I realised that he drives a MINI!

Yay, I was going to sit in a MINI!

And he decided to show me the power of his car by doing the very fast acceleration.

Though I thought it was quite dangerous, it was fun. Plus, I was in a MINI!

I sat in a MINI COOPER today.

Project work is.. hectic. But I must say I really have good luck with project mates. I really like my group this time and it feels much better than the previous group. I liked my previous group but this one feels friendlier.

I guess this is not such a bad semester after all… just a little more late nights.

Time really flies. It is week 4 already.
I wonder how friends are doing.

more like a confirmation.

nevertheless, it left me gloomy for the whole of yesterday and part of today. I didn’t think I would have that great a reaction.

I am not suppose to be affected by things like that.

It is not as if it would have made much of a difference anyway. I think it is something like an obstacle in the way of an already blocked path.

Which means, it wouldn’t have made much of a difference whether it was true or not.

But I guess, no matter how rational I think I am, I harbour hope. Which would have been a good thing actually.

it is so weird that something that has no physical impact on my life has such a huge impact on my mind. And I am not even suppose to have anything to do with this.

I can still remember the eyes. But yea, to hell with it. Nothing to do with me anymore.

On a more positive note, at least I understand a little better now. always thought he was just being ridiculous but I think I got it… just a little. but yea.

I feel less sore now. as compared to Friday night. I think I will just forget it when school starts again tomorrow.

Maybe I just have too little things in my life right now. So emphasis is on the wrong things.

I seldom make sense nowadays.

There are some changes made to the groupings. I kind of wish to have my old group back. Well, at least I know they are people who do work. Plus, I think meeting new people is a very tiring thing. Ever since I entered university, my brain has deteriorated. Not only did that wiped out the As, it also killed off the little EQ I had. Social interaction becomes bothersome and tiring. I don’t even want to try anymore.

Maybe it is just laziness. But I think things like that are suppose to come naturally. They are not suppose to make you tired. Anyway, I have a very pessimistic view on everything right now. That is hardly a good start to a semester.

I guess making friends become not very important as we get older. It is networking that is important. Which is why nobody really bothers. Unless they are into the boy girl attraction thing. That is another story altogether. I do hate growing up.

At Zl’s party the other day, mf suddenly said something like “I feel so sad”. I don’t know if it is sadness I feel but time really flies. No, I don’t think I feel sad. I think I feel frustrated. Because years pass by just like that. And I haven’t done anything significant. And I still have no goals. As in real goals, things I really want from the bottom of my heart.

Friends have moved on. I sort of feel like they know where they are going. And I feel like they are doing much more things than I am doing. In the past, I just do what I like and not do what I don’t. Why is it that I am feeling the pressure now to do much more?

I don’t think it is sadness that I feel. I think it is disappointment. disappointed at myself for being so uninspired, for the lack of drive and the laziness. Never bothered to try new things or make more memories. What is more frustrating is, I don’t want to do that, even now.

I think a small part of me is starting to protest against me. forced out of comparison? I don’t know, but somehow, I feel like I am suppose to have done more.

But I still don’t want to do it. It is sort of different now. I don’t think the friends I made in college see me in the same way as my older friends. definitely not. Because it is a different mode of interaction altogether. Somehow, this doesn’t suit me very well.

Alright. I should stop complaining. I am going to do well for the project. The people can be hateful for all I care. I will do it good. No matter what.

Complaining makes good therapy.

I can’t even get the fact that it is 2010 already. My brain has once again turned into marshmallows. Which otherwise reminds me that the first lesson of this sem is about the brain. No, it is about the CNS which is mainly the brain. But I like learning about the brain. Which is why I listened today. Even though the lecturer was super bad.

Another year has passed just like that. I do hate getting older. I feel like my entire youth is spent on studying. and nothing else. It is strange but I have no big ambitious dreams. As in, in terms of career and academia stuff like that. Maybe I get a little pissed off when I don’t see As when I think I am suppose to. But that is slowly wearing off. I am getting used to it. And that is very bad. My goals are more like “MINI cooper”, “see eiffel tower”, “get a new gundam” etc.  Money will do me a whole lot of good.

ok, I think I am going through what they call a phase. The “I want to do everything” but feels “I can’t do anything ” phase. The school councellor sort of talked about this in one of the welcome talks. It is abit like losing control of your life. But then again, I never had much control. The only way I control my money is how much I eat. And somehow, after all the months of saving, I just don’t feel like spending it. No wonder they all say it is different when you earn your own money.

I finally got to drive the other day. My dad refused to let me. Almost a year now I think. And I finally convinced him that day.  I almost hit a van in the parking lot because I mixed up the pedals. And it really is not my fault because my dad refused to let me drive for so long! SoI forgot. I think driving is something that one must do often. So from now on, I shall jump at every chance to drive. But I think he is going to be even more stubborn after this incident.

I am frustrated.

Even though it felt a little different, Saturday was still pretty ok. Xi brought his girlfriend, one that I haven’t seen before. But apparently they have plans to get married. ah wells, hope it goes well for him and hopefully, it won’t be yet another different girl next year. But I think it will be ok this time, because he seems different. Much more adultish. Though he is still funny and everything… well, the feeling is just different. And for the first time, angela jie brought her boyfriend! When he came, they were sort of stuck together. Makes me wonder if things will change during cny next year. after all angela jie has always been the “leader” and the “entertainer”. She will tell stories, tell jokes, make everyone talk and everything. will that be hard to do with a boyfriend around?

Uncle drank a little too much at night and started talking and talking and talking. And continued to drink even though the adults were all a little pissed off (but still lind of amused). And uncle came and tell me that he is not really drunk, just wanted to make the rest of them a bit more high. But I think he is drunk. cos he cannot really judge distance, he came really close when he talked to people and couldn’t stand properly. First time I see this kind of thing in my family. And xi looked really pissed off. Like really really pissed off that his girlfriend has to go over and tell him to not shout at his father. I don’t think he was going to shout anyway… he should be situationally aware.

But other than that, nothing much really happened. As usual, we played some cards, talked some stuff, eat some foods. Oh and xi asked if I have a boyfriend. yea, and as usual, I said no. And as usual, he was….

Anyway, he explained that it is something like, it will be nice to be told on your deathbed that it is all forgiven. Well, actually I have a lot to say to that. Maybe such concepts just bug me the wrong way. But that part of the conversation stopped there because it was getting a little emoish. So everything went back to normal stuff like school and modules.

I wanted to say:

Why does it matter whether it is forgiven or not?  I think it only matters whether you can forgive yourself. The something out there, let’s just call it god. So when you die, god says, it is ok, it has all been forgiven. Will I feel better? Not really. It is not because I don’t feel guilt so it doesn’t make a difference. It is just that guilt comes from within. Doesn’t it come when you cannot forgive yourself? So god can forgive me, the person I did wrong can forgive me, I wouldn’t feel any much better if I cannot forgive myself.

And I just don’t get the soul cleansing part. Because if it is just to relieve me of guilt, it is not soul cleansing. In fact, I think it just got dirtier. I did something wrong, I crave for forgiveness so as to feel better. So even if I get punished and everything, I don’t feel the “I did something really bad”. God cannot undo what I have done. The only way I can interpret “cleansing” is that god makes me a better person, like less lustful, less greedy etc. think 7 sins. But if that comes on my deathbed, it becomes kind of useless anyway.

I just realised that the forgiving thing will actually make sense if I am my god. lol, at least to me it will.

I think it is because I am cynical and I don’t really like the whole god idea. It is probably different for people who actually believes. “me” is probably not as significant to me as god is and thus, it only matters what god says and whether it decides to forgive.

I used it. Because he referred to “something out there”. I just thought it too long to type.

But I can sort of understand the longing for something out there. Like when I feel like my life is getting out of control, I want to think that there is something else in control and it knows what it is doing. I wonder if this is actually it. We don’t like things we cannot understand and predict. So someone has to know these things, even if it is not me, even if it is not even human.

Slip out the back before they know you were there,
At the worst you’ll see nobody cares.
Cause you don’t wanna be around when it all goes down,
Even heroes know when to be scared.

And I’m no hero.

Rah.

tuesday tuesday tuesday.

Was feeling so dead on Friday. Didn’t even bother to correct daniel’s grammar mistakes on the ppt. I am totally regretting that now. But conversation with zl afterwards woke me up. Wah. I guess that is why there is a huge difference between good friends and friends. The silliest thing in the world can make me laugh like mad. Was a nice happy feeling and I couldn’t stop smiling. looking forward to this december.

I have friends in college, and sometimes we can talk and talk and talk. And I really like the conversations. But it never feels the same. Not so natural, not as free. especially when it gets to weirder topics like your take on people, situations etc. Which is the kind of thing you start talking about when you get past the “only about schoolwork” stage. I tend to be a little wary here because I don’t know their take on things like that. We might be completely different in our views and because this is like personality based. So pretty soon, you can sort of tell what kind of person he/she is. And sometimes, I just want to shut up and think about things. And it never helps if that someone beside you tries to break the silence. Because I welcome that silence. Another thing is, after one interesting conversation, the person will come and sit with you again. Maybe, in that next lecture where you feel like shutting up. Makes me feel like I am letting the person down with my total lack of zest. Because I just don’t like to entertain people. After all, there really aren’t that many things to share in the world.

I wouldn’t say I am socially awkward because I am generally a nice and friendly person. Really. Generally. just that some people gives off horrible vibes, I just become not very friendly after that. Or sometimes, people say something that really puts me off so I go “oh..” in a really horrible manner. PH said the projects are to help us learn how to deal with people. And hopefully, we offend less and less people as we grow older. But I think learning is kind of difficult unless something major happened and you sort of know how the others feel. Otherwise, it is impossible to know. Because your project mates don’t complain to you, they complain to their friends. So I might think that we are woking well together and everything… and someone else might totally hate me and the way I work during the course of the project without me knowing. In that case, I cannot learn. The next time we work together again, I will still do the same thing and irritate that person. And that person will still smile and txt “thanks for the hard work everybody” and complain somemore to someone else.

I know people do this from the BN project which has 6 people, bioengine is terribly small, it depended very much on research and innovation. It came at this pressurising time, and there are so many people. Naturally some people wouldn’t do as much as the others. So I know, because I was the friend being complained to for some people. And since there are only that many people, some of them are in the same group. And yea.. so I was quite amazed at how the stories can be so different from different people. And after all that evil lashing, they still smile and nod at each other. So makes me wonder if my grp mates totally hate me as well… just that I don’t know.

I understand that people need to vent. But it is extremely dangerous to do so in a small community like ours. I don’t gossip so those who complaint to me are lucky. But once in a while, you might just find yourself complaining to that person’s best friend or something. Which is why I don’t complain. If I need to vent, that is what the blog is for. This reminded me of something. Mel told me the other day that “Kenneth says you are very independent”. I never knew kenneth until the BN project and mel knew him for quite some time already. And immediately, I wondered, independent as in the “don’t need supervision, knows what she is doing way” or the “simply don’t care what others think way”. there is this seed of doubt and the next time I talk to Kenneth, I wonder what he means when he tells me this and stuff like that.

In other words, I am quite reserved when talking to college friends. Because I don’t know them very well and I don’t what comes out of their mouths. I will never share my thoughts on other people in the community. If I need an example, I will just say “I have a friend”. And this friend, I usually pick from somewhere else. Because people are good guessers. However, I realised that people like to spam other people together. And because I don’t make that gossip investment, I am generally more detached from the others. Still, that didn’t stop people from complaining to me. lol.

Why did I start writing about this? Because I was very happy and relaxed talking to zl.