Archive for January, 2010
A startling revelation
maybe not that startling. Not as if I haven’t expected anything like that.
more like a confirmation.
nevertheless, it left me gloomy for the whole of yesterday and part of today. I didn’t think I would have that great a reaction.
I am not suppose to be affected by things like that.
It is not as if it would have made much of a difference anyway. I think it is something like an obstacle in the way of an already blocked path.
Which means, it wouldn’t have made much of a difference whether it was true or not.
But I guess, no matter how rational I think I am, I harbour hope. Which would have been a good thing actually.
it is so weird that something that has no physical impact on my life has such a huge impact on my mind. And I am not even suppose to have anything to do with this.
I can still remember the eyes. But yea, to hell with it. Nothing to do with me anymore.
On a more positive note, at least I understand a little better now. always thought he was just being ridiculous but I think I got it… just a little. but yea.
I feel less sore now. as compared to Friday night. I think I will just forget it when school starts again tomorrow.
Maybe I just have too little things in my life right now. So emphasis is on the wrong things.
I seldom make sense nowadays.
Detox
So I have yet another project to do. I guess school has reallt started. As much as I don’t want it to. I do feel very gloomy about the new project. Well, I have no other words to put it. I think my english has gone from bad to worse.
There are some changes made to the groupings. I kind of wish to have my old group back. Well, at least I know they are people who do work. Plus, I think meeting new people is a very tiring thing. Ever since I entered university, my brain has deteriorated. Not only did that wiped out the As, it also killed off the little EQ I had. Social interaction becomes bothersome and tiring. I don’t even want to try anymore.
Maybe it is just laziness. But I think things like that are suppose to come naturally. They are not suppose to make you tired. Anyway, I have a very pessimistic view on everything right now. That is hardly a good start to a semester.
I guess making friends become not very important as we get older. It is networking that is important. Which is why nobody really bothers. Unless they are into the boy girl attraction thing. That is another story altogether. I do hate growing up.
At Zl’s party the other day, mf suddenly said something like “I feel so sad”. I don’t know if it is sadness I feel but time really flies. No, I don’t think I feel sad. I think I feel frustrated. Because years pass by just like that. And I haven’t done anything significant. And I still have no goals. As in real goals, things I really want from the bottom of my heart.
Friends have moved on. I sort of feel like they know where they are going. And I feel like they are doing much more things than I am doing. In the past, I just do what I like and not do what I don’t. Why is it that I am feeling the pressure now to do much more?
I don’t think it is sadness that I feel. I think it is disappointment. disappointed at myself for being so uninspired, for the lack of drive and the laziness. Never bothered to try new things or make more memories. What is more frustrating is, I don’t want to do that, even now.
I think a small part of me is starting to protest against me. forced out of comparison? I don’t know, but somehow, I feel like I am suppose to have done more.
But I still don’t want to do it. It is sort of different now. I don’t think the friends I made in college see me in the same way as my older friends. definitely not. Because it is a different mode of interaction altogether. Somehow, this doesn’t suit me very well.
Alright. I should stop complaining. I am going to do well for the project. The people can be hateful for all I care. I will do it good. No matter what.
Complaining makes good therapy.
Brake is on the left, right?
I think I say this everytime I start a new semester. But yes, I am totally not in the mood for school.
I can’t even get the fact that it is 2010 already. My brain has once again turned into marshmallows. Which otherwise reminds me that the first lesson of this sem is about the brain. No, it is about the CNS which is mainly the brain. But I like learning about the brain. Which is why I listened today. Even though the lecturer was super bad.
Another year has passed just like that. I do hate getting older. I feel like my entire youth is spent on studying. and nothing else. It is strange but I have no big ambitious dreams. As in, in terms of career and academia stuff like that. Maybe I get a little pissed off when I don’t see As when I think I am suppose to. But that is slowly wearing off. I am getting used to it. And that is very bad. My goals are more like “MINI cooper”, “see eiffel tower”, “get a new gundam” etc. Money will do me a whole lot of good.
ok, I think I am going through what they call a phase. The “I want to do everything” but feels “I can’t do anything ” phase. The school councellor sort of talked about this in one of the welcome talks. It is abit like losing control of your life. But then again, I never had much control. The only way I control my money is how much I eat. And somehow, after all the months of saving, I just don’t feel like spending it. No wonder they all say it is different when you earn your own money.
I finally got to drive the other day. My dad refused to let me. Almost a year now I think. And I finally convinced him that day. I almost hit a van in the parking lot because I mixed up the pedals. And it really is not my fault because my dad refused to let me drive for so long! SoI forgot. I think driving is something that one must do often. So from now on, I shall jump at every chance to drive. But I think he is going to be even more stubborn after this incident.
I am frustrated.